


Wretched And Divine

by fadeverb, joyeusenoelle



Category: In Nomine
Genre: Deliberate Badfic, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-11 22:58:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3335930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fadeverb/pseuds/fadeverb, https://archiveofourown.org/users/joyeusenoelle/pseuds/joyeusenoelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Susie is the Angel of Kindness. She is awesome. But then Vapula attacks!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an exercise in deliberate terribleness.

It is a hot warm day in Florida and Susie is driving down the I-5 in her convertible, singing along to "Girls Just Want To Have Fun," except she's made the lyrics be all about how great Heaven is, in case any demons are listening in. Susie is the Angel of Kindness and she's always thinking about other people like that, and because she is the Angel of Kindness demons are always trying to take her down, because Kindness is a very important Word and demons don't want Heaven to win, even though they know Heaven is probably going to win because the angels are better at getting along and demons are really bad at getting along, so lots of times they send demons to spy on her, but Susie cares for that sort of people too, which is why she was singing the song like that.

"I hope there are no demons in the car right now" Susie says during a commercial break over the ads that are all Nybbas making really annoying ads about car insurance things, like the one about Geico where that old man talks about tweeing and facebook. You can tell that it's Nybbas because they're really bad ads. Susie doesn't have to tell the truth because she's not a Seraph, they're the ones who have to tell the truth, she's a bright lilim, and theyre' the rarest of all the angels. Because they can only come from hell. She has really complicated feelings about her mother, because Lilith is the nicest Demon Princess (because she's not a a demon) but she's also still working for hell, even though she works for Heaven sometimes, so it's one of those hard family relationships.

There is a demon hiding in her trunk, the one in the convertible that she got from one of her boyfriends, but she doesn't know that part yet.

The convertible is a really shiny metallic green. She got it from one of her boyfriends. It's like not just ordinary green, but a viridiscent, or glaucous. It’s especially shiny in the sun, which it’s in now, because Florida is the Sunshine State. Susie knows all of the states’ nicknames. Memorizing things is a hobby of hers when she isn’t doing her real job of being the Angel of Kindness, because she has a perfect memory that never fills up.

The sign by the side of the road says that it’s ten miles to Daytona Beach, which is where Susie is going. She runs her fingers through her hair, which is okay because her convertible is an automatic so she only really needs one hand to steer. The wind is blowing through her hair because she is going fast, but not too fast, because she is an angel and shouldn’t break the law. She looks at the speedometer. It says 65, which is the speed limit. “Just right,” she says, and continues down the highway toward Daytona Beach.

She drives for ten miles, and then she gets to the beach. There's bright yellow sand and seashells in pink and blue and beige and those curvy ones that are pink inside. Susie knows all about seashells because the Angel of Seashells is one of her boyfriends; he's a Malakite so that means he's really dark and handsome and has enormous black wings and he spends a lot of time being sad, because the Demon of Pollution is polluting the oceans, which isn't good for his seashells. Once a while back Susie and her boyfriend went and defeated the Demon of Pollution's plans for making the whole oceans polluted and killing all the whales, and that's why Jordi gave her his attunement for Bright Lilim, so she can read Needs in all the animals too.

Susie stands on the beach and she looks at a hermit crab and she knows that it Needs a shell, so she finds it the best shell on the beach, and fills the Need, and she uses the Geas to make the hermit crab go tell all its friends that Heaven is great and they should be good and go to Heaven and not go to Hell, because Hell is really mean to animals.

And then the demon jumps out of her trunk and tries to hit her!

This demon's name is Unbobbleth, because he used to be an angel and he was Bobiel because lots of angels have names ending in el because that means God in the Bible, but then he Fell. He wasn't one of Susie's boyfriends, but he was the boyfriend to one of her sisters, so she was really sad when it happened. But Susie is too good to try to soul-kill Unbobbleth because she's the Angel of Kidness so she always gives demons another chance, even if they're Princes. Unbobbleth isn't a Prince, he just really hates her because he used to love her so everything got reversed when it Fell. He didn't love her like a boyfriend because he was someone else's boyfriend, but he still loved her because he was an angel and loved people, until he Fell.

"You made my sister cry!" Susie says and she punches him in the face. He wears a leather jacket and leather pants and leather boots and a white shirt that he doesn't button up all the way.

"Hell is better than Heaven!" he smirks.

“No….. its….. not!!!!” Susie says. Then she begins to cry. It is only one tear, though. It glistens on her cheek like a diamond that was taken from a blood-free mine, one that did not kill anybody when its diamonds were taken. Unbobbleth sees it and scoffs, but inside he is shaken and disturbed. like a martini. “Heaven is better,” she says, and even though she is not a Seraph she knows it’s true.

"some day," Susie whispers, "you'll see, what you always knew was true, deep in your heart, even if your Heart is in Hell, because my sister kept the shards of your Heart from when you were an angel," and he runs away because he's really upset.

"I'm running away because I'm going to get you next time" he shouts. "You won't see me coming."

“That’s okay,” said Susie, even though she didn’t know if it was true or not, because she was the Angel of Kindness and it was nice to let him think that he would be able to sneak up on her, even though she was a very perceptive for an angel.

THen one of her boyfriends shows up in a hoverjet. He works for Lightning and he always has as a hoverjet, but it's invisible because Lightning thinks it's very important not to let humans have really cool things until they stop killing each other with them, and if anyone else got the hoverjet they would try to murder everyone, because humans don't have enough Kindness. That's why he is so into Susie. He loves her for a lot of reasons, like her nice hair, but also because if the humans get more Kindness and she gets to be an Archangel then he'll be able to take his hoverjet everywhere without being invisible.

"Hello Chad." Susie said. "Look at all the seashells! They are the handiwork of God's beauty on Earth. Is there something going on?"

"Yes Suzy," Chad says, and he grabs her shoulders and looks deep into her violet eyes. Sometimes her eyes are deep cerulean blue like the deepest parts of the sea down where the volcanic vents are. But right now they're violet like the lilies of the field that Jesus talked about, that are prettier than anything people can wear. "Vapula is trying to destroy the Earth and we have to stop him."

"Oh no!" cried Suzie. "We should tell Max!"

Max was Maximilian Bartholomaus Marcel Walter Oppenheimer, but his friends called him Maximilian. Susie is allowed to call him Max because he knows she is an angel and can see his true name. He is a scientist who works with Heaven to thwart the evil plans of Hell, because Heaven is the best and likes humans more than Hell does. 

“Quick, onto my hoverjet!” said Chad, and Susie jumps on behind him. “What about my car?” she asks. It is gleaming verdantly in the sunlight.

“Don’t worry about it,” says Chad. “There is a reliever watching it. YOu can’t see him, but he is there.” It was true. And the reliever would not let anything happen to Susie’s car, because he loves Susie almost as much as Chad does.

Chad drives the hoverjet off toward Miami. They can go much faster than 65 miles an hour on Chad’s hoverjet, because they are invisible and also because they are not on a road, so there’s no speed limit. “Shouldn’t I be wearing a helmet?” Susie shouts, but Chad just shakes his head. 

“It’s okay,” Chad says. “This hoverjet has safety cushions to catch you if you fall.”

“Oh,” Susie says.

In no time they are at Max’s high-rise business skyscraper. It is made of glass and steel, and it shines in the Miami sunlight, but not as much as Susie’s car shines. Max is a scientist who owns his own business, and at the very top of the skyscraper is the name of the business, which is also Max’s last name, Oppenheimer Industries. It is a very tall building, but not the tallest building in Miami, because Max is a very modest person. That is why he only has one picture of himself in the lobby.

Chad parks the hoverjet on top of the building. It is invisible so no one will steal it. Susie and Chad go inside, where a guard looks menacingly at them but allows them to pass. They ride a lift to the penthouse suite on the top floor, where Max is pacing the room thinking about science. “Max,” says Susie. “There is danger! Vapula wants to destroy the world.”

“Oh no!” cries Max.

Chad does a powerpoint presentation to show how Vaupla wants to destroy the world. "We at LIghtning think he shouldn't," he says, "and I know that Geordi doesn't like humans, but even he thinks that Vapula has to be stopped. So we're going to get all the animals to destroy the Vapulans, and we need you to help."

"I would help you," says Max, while he's drinking a frappucinno with his favorite syrup in it, since he has a Starbucks inside his own building, "but I don't think my machines will convince all the animals to destroy the Vapulans, because they don't trust Lightning."

"I know!" Suzie said. She leapt to her feet from the chair she had been sitting in and clapped her hands. "I'll talk to all the animals and convince them to help, because it's bad for them too if Vapula wins."

"But there's no way to talk to all the animals at once!" says Chad.

"It's to hard!" says Max. "No wait, I can do this Susie, we can use my machines so you can talk to all the animals! But it only works if they believe in you, becuase it only lets you talk to them, and you need to convince them. It's going to be really hard. Dolphins don't like people because of getting caught in tuna nets and wolves are really noble but shy and not into attacking people at all like some people think so they wouldn't want to be mean, they're really noble."


	2. Chapter 2

Max had stunning gleaming blond hair that iridesces in the sunlight, like when he would stand on top of his building and stare out across the city, thinking about the ways that humans are cruel to each other. But every time he thought about this, with one perfect tear almost escaping out of his strong deep sea blue eyes like amethysts, he thought about Susie and how the Angel of Kindness could conquer anything, because Kindness is like love, except even nicer. That's why Andrealphus is so angry at Susie, because she almost has his old Word, but not exactly, so he can't sue her over it, and he has to pretend it doesn't bother him. But it does.

Max walked swimmingly down the stairs from the roof by the hoverjet and said "Chad, Susie, we have to start the machines now."

"But what if the Vapulans attack?" Chad cried.

"I'm ready to fight any Vapulans" Max said. "I'm with Lightning and we have all laser guns that they don't have. And we don't put our lasers on sharks because we care about animals."

In fact, Max cares about animals so much that he has a zoo that rescues abandoned and lonely animals and makes sure they are kept safe and happy. There are sharks there and hermit crabs, and also a very happy colony of Tasmanian tigers, which Max will not show the rest of the world because then hunters would want to kill them for their skins, which would make Max sad. So he keeps them hidden in the depths of Africa where no one can find them.

Susie and Chad are kissing when Max gets back, but Max doesn't mind because he's a good boyfriend and Heaven doesn't think everything has to be in twos, especially beacuse there's all that love to go around, even if they don't have Love anymore. "You make me feel like an even better angel" he says staring deep into Susie's eyes.

"We can all be better angels together." Susie says. Then she gets into the machine that Max made. Max's machine takes up a whole floor of his skyscraper. It blinks a lot, with lots of blue and white lights, like Heaven. Some of the lights are golden and flaxen too.

"This machine will let you talk to all the animals" Max exposits helpfully.

Chad helpfully lowers the helmet over susie’s head. Susie looks at Max. “Is it turned on?” Max nods and Susie starts talking. “Animials!” says Susie, “you have to help us fight Vapula, because he wants to hurt the planet and we ant to help the planet, because Heaven is better than Hell and we like you much more than Vapual does.” One tear leaks from her limpid sapphire eye. “Please help us. We do not want you to die, which you would do if Vapula got to dowhat he wanted to. So you have to help me, Susie, Angel of Kindness.”

Chad looks out the window and sees fish and dolphins and whales lining up in the Miami beach. “It’s working!” he shouts calmly, because he is a Malakite and they are always calm.

Then the ninjas break through the windows and attack! They swing in on long ropes from Vapulan invisible jets, that aren't as good as the Lightning hoverjets but there are lots more of them, and the ninjas are vampires and they have laser gun eyes. Their lasers don't make any noise because lasers don't make noise, they're not unrealistic like Star Wars lasers, and they run around shooting lasers from their eyes at all the machines. It's terrible. The dolphins are confused. They don't know what to think. They're shooting lasers everywhere.

Susie has a moral dilemma because she believes in kidness but she's not sure if vampires are really people that you can be kind to, like the way even though Novalis loves Flowers it's okay if you step on grass, because that's not mean, not like if you were stepping on people, because grass isn't made of people.

Chad is okay with fighting the vampire ninjas, though. He is a Malakite, and even though he loves Susie, he doesn’t have to be kind. So he uses his sword, which is made of Heaven metal and can cut through the vampire ninjas’ katanas. He cuts through the ninjas, but there are so many that he can’t cut through them all. “Help!”, he says.

Maximilian runs over to the wall and grabs a laser rifle. He can do that because he owns the building. “Eat laser, cyborg vampire ninjas!” he bellows, and his laser rifle starts shooting ninjas. The ninjas look at him and hiss like snakes, because they are vampires. The ones whoare not dying from sword cuts and laser blasts, that is. They shoot lasers from their eyes back toward Max, who ducks behind a machine and keeps shooting.

Susie has grabbed a ninja and is explaining to him why Heaven is good and why kindness is better. He nods because he is convinced, and then he starts to talk to the other ninjas. But not all of them believe him, because he is not as convincing as Susie is. So they keep fighting Chad and Maximilian.

"Oh no!" cries Susie. "Max will kill all of them! I have to do something!"

With her eyes on the dolphins and whales and squids in the harbor, Susie begins to sing. It is a beautiful song that no one on Earth has ever heard before, or Heaven either. Susie is a good songwriter and is just making it up as she sings it, but it is still beautiful. It is about how ninjas and scientists and Malakim should get along. Everyone stops to listen to her, and a tear streams down all of their faces because her singing is so beautiful. 

The vampires are crying bloody tears because they don't have normal water in them anymore. It gums up their laser eyes, and now they're sad and can't shoot at things and can't see, but they still have katanas. "I'm sad because I'm not human anymore," a ninja says, and it runs away out the big hole in the window and grabs the rope and goes back to the invisible jet and tells the pilot that everyone wants to go home and the pilot says no because he can't hear the song, because he has those headphones on that pilots wear, so the vampire ninja punches him and they have a fight in the jet and then they both fall out all the way down to the ground and die, but now all the other vampire ninjas can run away.

"Vampire ninja who sacrificed himself nobly like a wolf for everyone, I will remember you," Susie says, and she changes her song so that it's commemorating him too.

All the animals are stopping Vapula now. They stopped his evil plot. Down in Hell Vapula got really angry and exploded a bunch of his demons, and he said to one he kept around alive so he would have someone to talk to, "It was the Angel of Kindness again! She destroys my plots! I have to destroy her before she destroys more plots! Next time I will make her precious dolphins and sharks and seashell creatures into my laser ninja vampires and they'll kill her ironically!"

Susie does not hear this, because she is still in the building with Max and Chad. “Max and Chad,” says Susie, “thank you for helping me save the world from Vapula. The animals are stopping Vapula now.”

Max nods. “I know,” he says, because his computer screens show all the locations of all the animals and what they are doing. “They have done a very good job.”

“Also,” Max says, “I recorded your song while you were singing it. I am going to put it on the iTunes Music Store so that people can download it and listen to it.”

"O Max!" Susie puts her delicate hands nimbly to her red cheeks to feel how scarlet she has gone for the verdant blushing. "You're my best boyfriend! You're my best boyfriend too," she tells Chad.

Chad and Max both nod. They know that they are not competing for Susie’s love, because Susie has enough love for everybody, even the demons, because they can be redeemed and serve Heaven eventually. Even Unbobbleth knows that Susie actually loves him and wishes he would come back to Heaven, but he is a bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks and can’t be changed for a girl’s love, not even Susie’s sister’s love, or Susie’s love.

"Now that we saved the world we should thank God," Susie says, so they go to Chad's recording studio in his building and sing another song, this time about thanking God, to go on the album. Except it can't credit Chad and Max by name because they have Roles that aren't rock stars. Susie has a boyfriend who is a rock star, and he spends a lot of time fighting Nybbas and telling people how to not be the bad kind of groupie, but to be groupies for God. They'll have a whole album soon for iTunes.


	3. Chapter 3

Deep down in his lair in Hell Andrealphus and Nybbas are plotting together about how they're going to take Susie down. "She's too good!" Andrealphus shouts. "SHe has kindness and that's almost like love! No one else gets to be love! That was my word!"

“Chill out, babe,” says Nybbas. He is wearing sunglasses and a huge smile. “So she’s got kindness. That doesn’t mean she actually loves people. She’s just nice to them. She’s nice to everybody. She’d be nice to a demon if she met one.” Nybass doesn’t know about Unbobbleth yet. “So we’re gonna send up someone who she can’t help being nice to,” Nybbas gestures for one of his Impudim to come over. The Impudite’s name is Keith. He has never met Susie. 

Keith says, “What is your command, O Prince Nybbas of the Media?”

Nybbass smiles. It is a bad smile. Like Hitler had when he was making Jews go to the death camps. “I want you to go up to Earth and corrupt Susy the angel of Kindness. She wil be nice to you. So go make her be naughty to someone.”

"I completely live to serve my Darkest Clement Lord Prince" Keith says very formally to his Prince Andrealphus. Keith goes to Earth through a Tether and says to himself, "I have to be very nice before I can make her be very naughty." He goes to a mall and goes to a Hot Topic, and he shows the people at the Hot Topic the demon credit card he has that never runs out and buys all the best clothes in the shop. Because he's a demon he buys extra copies so that no one else in the shop can buy any.

Once Keith leaves the Hot Topic with his many clothes, he goes by the nearest radio station. He tells the DJ that the DJ should announce a “Look Like Keith” contest, and anyone who comes closest to what Keith is wearing right now should be given a copy of Keith’s outfit, which he bought from Hot Topic, and a copy of Keith’s latest album, which he has in the back of his car. Keith plays lead guitar in a death metal band, and his band is always releasing new albums. The DJ will also promote the album on the air, and play the album’s songs, which is weird, because the DJ works for a top-40 station. But Keith’s music is not in the Billboard Top 40, even though it should be because he works for Nybass.

Keith can make the DJ do this because he is an Impudim and so he can make people do what he wants them to.

Then he looks for Susie. Susie is hard to find because Keith is actually in Texas and Susie is in Florida, but Keith knows a seneschal of a local Tether who tells him that Susie was in Florida, in Miami, andKeith can get on a plane that will take him from Dallas to Miami because he is an Impudite. He can’t stop the TSA from searching him at the airport though, because he is so beautiful that everybody wants to put their hands on him, and the TSA has an excuse so they do.

Then ninjas attacked! This time it was ninjas from War, because Michael is the sneakiest archangel. Keith said "Oh no!" ninjas! and then he pretended to be a normal human and allt he other humans in the airport got together and the TSA started shooting at the ninjas because they liked him so much, and on the news afterward Keith said how he didn't want to hurt any of the ninjas because he's really kind and doens't like to hurt anyone. The news covered it because Nybbas controls the news. And the ninjas didn't get shot much, except some Malakim which are okay because they can keep coming back, because they didn't want to hurt humans.

Susie watched the news and saw there was a really kind man who had great clothes and he looked nice. Impudites are good at looking nice even when they're not.

"Max" she said "there is a very kind man coming to Florida and there are ninjas after him. He must be against Vapula too. I will go protect him because I need to promote kindness."

Max nods. “i understand, Susie. But you must take this battle suit. Because there are more ninjas and you should be careful. You have never seen the last of ninjas.” He pulled back a curtain and there is a battle suit that fits Susie perfectly. It has rocket launchers and fist punchers, but also has a stereo system that can play sothing music that will calm ninjas down.

Susie smiles at max and kisses Him. “Thank you. I will take the battle suit.”

Max blushes and it is a very hot blush that makes his cheeks redolent. “It also had rocket boots so you could travel very fast to the airport and meet this very nice man. But do not get a nother boyfriend,” he says, wagging his finger like a dog wags its tail, “because I might get jealous.”

Oh, silly Max,” says Susie. “No one could love him like I love you.” And she leans down in the battle suit to give him a kiss. She also kisses Chad, who was also there. Bob was there too. He was Max's butler, and a human who didn't know about the war between Heaven and Hell. That's why Susie didn't say anything about demons in front of him.

She got in the battle suit and made the rocket boots work just by thinking about them, and they blasted her up, but invisible like the jet, and making her invisible too. She flew into the sky high over Florida so that it all looked like a boot with the numinous clouds spread across it like cotton candy over a boot. "Everything looks so peaceful from here," she mused thoughtfully inside her battle suit, thinking about the way things looked. 

Susie sees an airplane coming into land at Miami International Airport. It is the plane that Keith is using to get to Miami, but she does not know this. But her battle suit makes the airplane go red. “There is a demon on board that plane!” she shouts, even though nobody can hear her.” “I should stop it, because demons are bad and should not be in Miami, where Max and Chad and Bob are.”

Susie rockets to the ground near the airport, but not so near to make humans wonder about whethershe was not supposed to be there, and pressed the button in the battle suit that made it turn into a belt that she could wear around her waist so it was inconspicuous. Then she went into the airport. “Hey!”, she said to the ticket agent who was begind the counter of the airline whose logo she had seen on the airplane. “You have to stop one of your planes!”

"I don't have to do anything you say!" Says the ticket agent. "You can't make me!"

"But you should" susie says. "It's very important. There's a terrorist on the plane." She doesn't make people do things like Impudime do, she just explains what's going on so they can make their own choices, which is the fundamental principle of free choice within which they ought to be making freely decisions of their own will for voluntarily picking what their fate or destiny is going to be.

"Okay I'll stop the plane" the ticket agent says and then she's going to go to Heaven because she did the right thing. She calls the president and he sends jets and they make the plane stop in the airport and get all the people off so that they can look for the terrorists. Demons are like sneaky terrorists.

Keith is an Impudite and he sees the president’s men coming and smiles at them, and gives them copies of his CD. And surprise surprise, they are all fans of his band all of a sudden and let him off the plane. Because he could not possibly be a terrorist because he is a bass player for a big name band. So he gets off the plane. Meanwhile the presidents’ men arrest a man wearing a turbine because they are stupid and prejuiced.

Keith gets into the airport and looks around and sees Susie, standing by the ticket counter and looking beautiful. He shakes his golden hair and laughs at a joke someone else told, and Susie sees him and went over and said, “I saw you on the news! you were very brave in front of those ninjas, and very kind to them.”

Keith smiled and said, “I guess maybe?” because he is modest or at least pretends to be and doesn’t want to take credit eventhough he was brave and very kind. “My name is Keith,” he says, and puts his hand out for Susie to shake.

Susie smiles and takes his hand. “I am Susie,” she says, and when her hand touches his it is like sparks are flying between them. “Would you like to ride on my battle suit?” she said, and Keith says “Yes, I would,” so they go back out to the parking garage where Susie parkd her battle suit and pay the ticket price because it would not be fair to use up a parking space and not pay for it. Then Keith climbs on the back of Susie’s battle suit and Susie gets inside and they take off and are flying over Miami in Susie’s battle suit.

Max sees that the battle suit has taken off and he looks at his monitors. “There is a man, on the” he says. “On the back of the battle suit.”

Chad looks at the monitor. “It is the man from Miami who was so brave and kind to the ninjas,” he says. 

Max goes hummmmm and taps his finger against his chin. “I don’t like the look of that man,” Max says. He presses the button that makes the battle suit come back to Max’s building in the middle of Miami, although it has to dodge the taller buildings because Max is modest and does not make his building the tallest.

Then Judgment helps the man who's not a terrorist because they're good with law. There's a big legal battle and it's on TV and then they make a Law & Order episode that's about it, and everyone knows it's based on that one, but they don't know that the good lawyers are working for Judgment (the ones in the real case not the one in the Law & Order case). They do that in the next week, while other things are happening.


End file.
